New change

Hello Mathew Marcelis,

I sit here tonight to talk to you about your problems, feelings, and thoughts that are running through your head. In hopes to talk some sense into you and hopefully make situations more logical. My quest is a rocky and uncertain one but I'm willing to dedicate a month of writing once a week for two months. If this does not work then we will stop  the writing and shake the magic eight ball.

So lets get started; Today is February 10, 2011 and, as of today you have some major things on your mind. Lets start by listing them. One big thing would be dating, the interview, family, moving out, and work. Though these are not any special topics you seem to be having anxiety about them.

The first one with dating is the least important and yet you seem to worry about it the most. I know it seems like you have to date to be happy but, if you look at your past your the happiest when you are not dating. The only thing boys have done with you is make you flustered and worried. I do understand that it is a big issue with you so I will touch on the topic. The boy you really like is not talking to you after you naturally let the conversation die and, now you are worried if he really likes you and if you start up the next conversation. My advice to you is to not start that conversation! I know you tell everyone you will not but I know you have been contemplating how you should phrase the next message you send to him. My examples are the two boys that are talking to you and you really don't like because they lay it out on the line and make it known they like you. If you act desperate then he knows he isn't going to have a challenge and might find it creepy like you did. Also you need to stop checking in on the online dating. My recommendation is to only check it if you get notification that you got a message.

As you are aware tomorrow they are ending the posting for the training position and you are worried. When you submitted the resume you where very confident and, now after you started dating you are nervous and un-confident in yourself. SHAKE OUT OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!! Being nervous is stupid and unwise. To win over the people in the interview you need to shine and not doubt your abilities that would make you great for the job. Remember you are hard working, dedicated to your job, have a great personality and great people backing you through this. Even though the one person you really wanted support from didn't show it; doesn't mean you are not ready for the position. Remember that if you think positive thoughts about an event it is more likely to turn out good in your favor. So calm down, be confident in yourself, and that if you get the interview you are a shew-in for the job. 

Family has been a hard thing for you this past month. You feel like you need to be on your own and not be so close to your family. With the passing of your great grandfather you should have realized that it is your closeness to your family that is your biggest strength and if you were to give that up you wont be close to the ones that love you unconditionally, support you no matter what and, provide you with things needed to live. Because lets face like most people your age you live out of your financial standards. Though sometimes you need to take a break from your family ( and is the only reason I condoned you dating) you need to still be there for them and love them. 

Family is a big reason for you to move out and, to show your dad that your younger brother is not more independent than you. Although I fully support the move I do find myself wondering if your goals are unrealistic. Moving into a lease is one thing but you are wanting to buy a house with a mortgage. It's a big responsibility; one the more i ponder that you need to take. If you don't try you are not holding true to your favorite quote. " reach for the moon; even if you miss you'll land among the stars." Dan Brown  So I say shoot for the house; if you make it it's a great thing to boost yourself up into this world and, if you miss you tried and will be able to gauge what you can do.

Next on the list is work but, you and me know that you aren't talking about your current job. More in matter as what you are going to do with your life career in general. For now I tell you to not worry about it. Nothing is going to change if you choose a path now that you don't even know if your going to like. I say to explore different paths and, see where they take you. You have your whole life to decide what to do.

This is the first post and next time we will touch on these topics and see if we were able to help with anything. We will also talk about any other issues you are having that you need to talk out. This is Mathew's inner judgement finishing for the week.

Dear Me

Dear Me,


There are so many things I need to say to you, but when I think of where to start I'm lost for words. Well, here I go my first attempt; I am sorry if I make you feel like your nothing. I know this has been going on for awhile now and I am finally realizing it's holding you down. Making you feel like no one out there really loved you; or ever will. To make you feel like you wont accomplish anything you set your mind to. I feel so guilty when it's so bad at days you don't even want to roll out of bed. I see you looking at boys and boys talking to you, but every time you back away; like you already know their going to suddenly not want to talk to you. To get to know you. 


I am sorry that I made you feel ugly. I know I keep saying all the imperfect qualities; like your fat, your teeth are yellow, you don't have enough muscle, you laugh like a odd. I just want to let you know your handsome, charming, elegant, beautiful, and a whole lot more. 


I guess what I'm trying to get at is I am sorry for never treating you with the respect you deserve. I feel so bad for putting you down for so long; making you feel like there is nothing to reach for. You need to know I do love you. You can do anything that you put your mind too. You can accomplish ANYTHING you put your mind too.  Realize, as I just have that I'm not perfect either, but it's our imperfections that make us us. 


So with both of us together, lets make a pledge. A pledge to never criticize each other. Never  let anyone else tear us down. Never to feel intimidated by other people, because we know that we are amazing. Never to let life pass us by; cuz gosh dang it your only 19 once. Even if we live to be a hundred lets never have to say that I was bored for day. 


sincerely,
Mathew Marcelis


P.S. One last thing I love you..  

my room

I feel the presence of him. 

Lingering in a corner I cannot see.

glancing around and around.

Still nothing.

I can feel the glare from everywhere.

days. weeks. months. 

why now?

why now do you torment me so?

the way you cast a shadow in every which way.

gone again in a flash. 

I'm scared.

You know it.

10. 11. 12. 

awoken. 

Emotions turning.

Why do thee strum my harp with rhythmic chaos with even the lightest gust?
Tis thus to be the mere mortals anguish to fill thy cup till the supple tears flow like the Nile.
To torment thy so even my temple cracks and dries from thy flaming sun; but, hence throws the cloud to turn any withered crop to a full harvest.
While always thy never forget the rocky mountain holding so close.
Like the dusty sands gracing so elegantly too and fro.
The pleasure of thy tendered forces to keep thy gleeful movements all to me.
With again you blow the lightest gust and, again the simple movement starts again.